What I want for my son

I attended a wedding this past weekend.  It was awesome.  I so enjoyed watching the young people celebrate love.  It seemed to me that everyone was their authentic selves this one day.  It was just fun.

We watched this young man grow up from the age of 10.  He's a fine young man with a beautiful wife now. 

Watching him with his wife warmed my heart.  He had such a look of adoration for her.  Whatever she wanted for this day, he made it his number one mission to make sure she had it. 

I want my son to find his person.  I want him to recognize her as his wife when she walks into the room.  I want him to fall in love with the beautiful woman who was made just for him.  I've prayed for this from the day he entered into this world. 

My heart aches because I want this for my son so badly. However, I now know it doesn't matter what I want.  If this is not what he wants for himself, it will not happen.  I have to mourn my wants for him to allow what he wants for himself to flourish. 

I continue to pray for him, but now I just pray for the Lord's will be done in his life. 

It's hard to accept not having any control in his life. 

I'm not the first, nor will I be the last to cross this bridge. 

 

I Showed Up

I Showed Up!

That is my passion statement.  Through this statement I promise myself that I will be present for the moment.  I will show up and do what needs to be done.

I want to show up in life.

I want to be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt I can be.

But I'm not sure I know how.  I really dislike that I second guess myself in every area of my life.  How do other people just live?  I want to be able to do that.

I want to just live.  Really live.  Take risk.  Jump out of the plane and trust the parachute will open.

Waddling Ducks

This past Sunday the preacher retold the story of the congregation of ducks who were told they could fly.  The ducks believed they could fly and in their hearts they wanted to fly.  But when it was time to depart they waddled off.

This story makes me sad because by all accounts I'm a duck waddling in life when I could be soaring.  WOW!

What are the things I need to do differently to soar?

Where is my focus?

I don't want to die and get to the other side just to see all the gifts I wasted in this life.

I'm wasting precious time.  I don't know how many more days I have ahead of me but I shouldn't continue to waste them.

God says he has a plan for me, a plan to prosper me, however I must do my part for me to get what he has for me.

Do I just make a commitment to myself to change today.  Is it just that easy.

Nothing in life is just that easy...is it?

I am a conqueror
I am a designer
I am smart
I am a thinker.
I have an opinion
I bring value to the team.
I am everything God says I am.
I am a survivor
I am fun
I know how to laugh

I already have everything I need to fly, I'm equipped with wings I just have to use them.

Commit to the change.

The struggle is real.

I struggle. I know I'm not the only one who struggles, in the Bible Paul says, "So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong." So, I say it once again, I struggle. I present like a wonderfully wrapped present. The paper is beautiful, and the bow is big and bright. As long as you don't open the gift, you will be happy with the beautiful presentation. However, what happens when you begin to unwrap the present and see what is inside. What happens when you see the brokenness, what happens when you see the despair, what happens when you see uncertainty. What happens when you see the scares of constant struggle. The struggle is real; however, so is God in my life.

I should say I struggle; however, I'm not in the fight alone.  I have a protector.  I have a comforter, and most importantly I have a mind regulator.

I continue to struggle, but I see myself surviving the struggle.

Wild Child Want to Be

I woke up this morning feeling really grateful for forgiveness. I struggle with knowing what is right and doing what is right. I'm not talking about big things, I'm talking about the daily internal struggles I have. Do I turn left when I really want to turn right. I know left is the "right" way to go, however, I really want to know what would happen if I turned right. I think I missed out on the "what if" phase in my life. As a young person I was just to chicken to try anything. Plus, I live such a sheltered life. First by a mother, and then by a husband. They all want to shelter me from hurt and harm. I guess I do the same for them. I do the same for my son too. I wonder if my sheltering keeps him from developing into the man God means him to be. I think that about myself as well. What if I didn't have the watchful eye of a parent and a husband. What wild child would I become. I guess I am grateful to have people who care about my well being, however, I would really would like to know what would happen if I  turned right just once in my life.

New Day

Wow, it's been a very long time. So much has changed and yet so much is still the same. I'm still married to my rare-commodity. He has been a constant in my life for 30+ years. That is so funny. I have been married for 30 years, only by God's grace and mercy. I don't give myself much of the credit. I would have left me a long time ago. I will use this as a new beginning in my life. Today is a new day. I have so much I need to do before the Lord calls me home. I want to document my life's journey. I've learned how to smile in the midst of struggling. I want to live an authentic life. But what does that really mean? I wonder if am I the only one who fight with the Lord. I know he wins, but I still want to let him know how I really feel about things. Why do we have to struggle? Why is there sin? What is a sin? I'm ready to figure it out.